Overheard on the train today

She: I need money.

He: Yeah?

She: I don't have any money. I just realized I
have none.

He: You should never walk around with less
that fifteen-hundred

.
I gotta get some new friends.

Love Rollercoaster

Today is our annual company picnic at Six Flags Great America. It's an event that people at work really look forward to; and a fun family day altogether.

However, it's going to be 90 degrees out today, and sunny. I know, I know - there's a lot of you out there that wait for and love summer scorchers. I just can't get behind that.

First, I'm white - and I just don't mean that I'm not black or Asian or Hispanic - I mean I'm so white that I'm practically see-through. I have inherited my father's blindingly white Irish skin, which burns to a crisp at the mere thought of going into the sun for a day. The best I can hope for is freckles. My father has so many freckles that they have all blended together and he actually looks tan.

Secondly, I hate to be sweaty. 90 degrees and humid guarantees sweat. And I'm going to be in large crowds all day and they'll be sweating. I guarantee I will be thrust into a melange of body odors that will make my eyes water. Good times.

Third, they don't sell beer at the park. 'Nuff said.

Last, I'm afraid of roller coasters. This wasn't always the case. I LOVED them as a kid. Even into my early 20's. I don't know what happened between 21 and 38, but I became terrified of coasters. The last time I went to Great America, I couldn't wait to get on The Eagle. We waiting in line for about 40 minutes and then got on. The coaster started up the first (and biggest) incline and immediately I knew this was a huge mistake. But there was nothing I could do. Up, up, up we went - as my stomach climbed higher and higher into my throat. Then we reached the top, where the coaster stalls for just a second so you can get a really good look at how high you are........and then plummets. I seriously thought I was going to go into cardiac arrest. I buried my face into my husband's shoulder and waited to die. Really.

So, I'm off to the amusement park today. I don't think I'm going to be very amused. I feel sorry for my mom and my sister. When I'm hot and sweaty, I can be a royal bitch. I know, it's hard to imagine, isn't it?

Wish me luck.

Nothin' beats a great pair of L'eggs

When did L'eggs give up their standard plastic egg packaging? I don't wear pantyhose anymore, but I saw them in Walgreens a while back and they're in a pointy box now. More triangular than egg shaped.

L'eggs were a staple in my mom's bedroom in the 1970's when I was growing up. There were always a few of those white plastic egg tops lying around. Me and my sister would snag them (no pun intended) out of her room. Then we would put them in our shirts and pretend we had gigantic boobs.

Careful what you wish for, girls.

Jive talkin'

So I took yesterday off work. I had a lot of running around I had to do - shopping, errands, etc. My hair turned out super cute, but that's because it was raining. In my life, super cute hair = rain. No exceptions.

Anyway, a lot of times when I have little short trips to make, I leave the television on for my cats (don't judge) so they won't feel lonely while I run in and out of the house. So I got myself together and ran out.

When I got back home, the cats were watching Maury Povich. Maury was hosting one of his scintillating "He denies my baby" episodes, in which each segment end with either "YOU ARE THE FATHER" or "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER".

So as I am unpacking my Miracle-Gro and other items, this woman is explaining to Maury that she and Baby Daddy have 4 kids together, and recently he began denying each and every one of them. He claimed a man came to their door and demanded to see his kids, prompting Baby Daddy to assume that his woman had stepped out on him at least 4 times to get knocked up with each one.

The woman started yelling and screaming stating that all four of her kids look just like Baby Daddy, and they all look so much alike that they look like....

Wait for it....wait for it......

Qua-drip-lets.

To think I thought that educational system in this country was failing our children.

Oh man....I'm so high right now....

Thank you to Sylvia. Oh, and Syl? You're a towel.

So. Flippin. Tired

I want to go home. I'm tired. I need more sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off because I had to go to the bathroom. Got back into bed and laid there wide awake for about 40 minutes before I started to drift off. Sweet, sweet floaty dreams.

Then the alarm went off, which sounds like melt-down time at Chernobyl. Aah! Aah! Aah!

Geez it's terrifying. So here I sit, lacking sleep after having been blasted awake and I can't focus and all I can think about is my pillow.

Happy Monday!