Jive talkin'

So I took yesterday off work. I had a lot of running around I had to do - shopping, errands, etc. My hair turned out super cute, but that's because it was raining. In my life, super cute hair = rain. No exceptions.

Anyway, a lot of times when I have little short trips to make, I leave the television on for my cats (don't judge) so they won't feel lonely while I run in and out of the house. So I got myself together and ran out.

When I got back home, the cats were watching Maury Povich. Maury was hosting one of his scintillating "He denies my baby" episodes, in which each segment end with either "YOU ARE THE FATHER" or "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER".

So as I am unpacking my Miracle-Gro and other items, this woman is explaining to Maury that she and Baby Daddy have 4 kids together, and recently he began denying each and every one of them. He claimed a man came to their door and demanded to see his kids, prompting Baby Daddy to assume that his woman had stepped out on him at least 4 times to get knocked up with each one.

The woman started yelling and screaming stating that all four of her kids look just like Baby Daddy, and they all look so much alike that they look like....

Wait for it....wait for it......

Qua-drip-lets.

To think I thought that educational system in this country was failing our children.

Oh man....I'm so high right now....

Thank you to Sylvia. Oh, and Syl? You're a towel.

So. Flippin. Tired

I want to go home. I'm tired. I need more sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off because I had to go to the bathroom. Got back into bed and laid there wide awake for about 40 minutes before I started to drift off. Sweet, sweet floaty dreams.

Then the alarm went off, which sounds like melt-down time at Chernobyl. Aah! Aah! Aah!

Geez it's terrifying. So here I sit, lacking sleep after having been blasted awake and I can't focus and all I can think about is my pillow.

Happy Monday!

I hate the word inappropriate

Everyone needs to lighten up. I'm so sick of people getting their feelings hurt over words and then complaining that the speaker said something inappropriate.

I like comedy. I like what some would call inappropriate comedy. Except what I consider appropriate chuckle fodder may not be your cup of tea. So move on. Don't listen. I heard this gem from Larry the Cable Guy the other day and laughed for what had to be 6 hours....

"If you're late for Special Ed, is it proper for the teacher to call you "tardy"?

That's good stuff right there. And I thought about putting it on my Face Book page, but then thought better of it. What if someone gets offended?, I thought.

I can't believe I actually thought that. It's not malicious. It's not hate speak - it's just dang funny. But my reasoning behind it was I have co-workers included on my list of friends, and what if a very simple attempt at levity came back to bite me? (Like that never happens in the world). I really, really hate living in a world where I have to censor myself because someone may have an axe to grind and decide to get "offended". I'm reminded of an episode of The Drew Carey Show about a panel cartoon of a crinkle-cut fry trying to hit on an earthworm. It sent his office into a tizzy.

The wonderfully witty columnist and author Erma Bombeck once said "when humor goes, there goes civilization".

Here, here.....and amen.

Stone cold sober as a matter of fact

Yes. The bitch is back. The selfish bitch who made a handicapped man stand on the bus while her huge tote bag took up a seat in the "priority seating" section was at it again this morning on the 120. What a tool.

I hope the handicapped people in the world rise up and beat you senseless with their walkers.

PS - I think I was totally busted by the dude on the right while I snapped this picture.

Hey Deformities - I'm talking to you!

I stumbled across a freaking hysterical website the other day called Engrish.com. Basically, it's a collection of signs and advertising from other countries written in English, and boy do they miss the mark. One (or several) wrong word can change the entire meaning of what you are trying to convey. Check it out, but be warned - it's addictive.

Here's a couple of my favorites:

The sights you see when you don't have a gun

I'm seriously angry.

This morning during my usual commute that consists of a car, a train and a bus, I encountered one of the most blatant acts of outright selfishness that I have ever been witness to on the CTA.

I got on the 120 out of Ogilvie Station, took my seat and riffled through my purse for my office keys. Once I found them (in a heap in the bottom of my bag) I looked up to see this -

Ok - so I'm no Ansel Adams, but what's going on in my blurry, clandestine photos is this double-chinned bitch is sitting and reading her book (in the priority seating section, mind you) and has a ginormous bag next to her (I'm not referring to the lady on the other side of her, either). And said giant bag is taking up the entire seat to her left. Now, if you've ever traveled on the Metra train, you are aware of the "seat hogs". Those assholes who put their bag or other crap on the seat next to them so no one can sit there. But let me tell you, it doesn't fly on the CTA. The buses are too crowded for that crap. Yet, Blondie here decided her huge pleather bag needed its own seat.

But that's not even the infuriating part. Look to the background of the picture. See the dude standing there? He's holding a cane.

HE'S FUCKING HANDICAPPED, YOU BITCH! HE'S STANDING AND YOUR $10.00 TARGET BAG HAS IT'S OWN SEAT.

By the time I got off that bus I was seething. What kind of ridiculous bitch doesn't even offer up her seat to a handicapped person? If he preferred to stand, that's fine. But Ms. Mememe never asked.

So when I finally got into the office, I decided two things. 1.) I'm gonna put her selfish ass on my blog so my 4 readers can enjoy her tremendous act of selfishness, and 2.) I'm going to send in a reader submission to R.O.C.K. on the C.T.A. (One of my favorite blogs of all time, yet I have never submitted before). The heights of rudeness that guy records are legendary.

Have a great day - hopefully you won't run into anyone like this today. But who are we kidding? You know you will.