Extra cleansing??

Here's something me and my ma do all the time. It's just like being in our fake
80's house. But seriously, what's she been up to that she needs "extra cleansing"? Shudder...

Bea Arthur

This morning I woke up with the TV on (as per usual) and the local news was reporting that Bea Arthur had died.

Bea Arthur was a staple of my childhood. From Mame, to All in the Family to, of course what I consider the zenith of her career, Maude, she played brash, ballsy ladies who didn't take shit from anyone - and she did it like no other.

In her latter years, I've seen her on a few Friar's Club roasts on Comedy Central, and that lady was the butt of many jokes by many different comedians - most famously, Jeffery Ross, who once said "I wouldn't fuck Sandra Bernhart with Bea Arthur's dick". But Bea could dish it as well as take it, and laughed along with everyone else. She was amazing.

I'm going to end this post with what I consider the GREATEST TV theme song, ever.

Rest in peace, Bea Arthur.



Maude TV Opening Theme - video powered by Metacafe

Loose lips

I know that I haven't posted anything in a few days. I really haven't had anything all that interesting to say. Well, anything that I want to currently share. Lots and lots of things have crossed the transom of my mind, but like most of my thoughts, they are not fit to print. Not that I'm censoring myself, but erring on the side of caution. Not everyone in my life likes being blog fodder. But fear not, I'm still noodling and will be back in a day or two.

Do you ever wake up feeling anxious? For absolutely no reason whatsoever?

That happened to me today. Just thought I'd share.

See ya!

Cruel Shoes

The Devil Kim Kardashian sent me my shoe selection for April. You can click here if you don't remember what they looked like. Well, all I can say is - what the hell is she thinking?? The heel on this shoe is every bit 5 1/2 inches, and when the heel is that high, it doesn't matter that there's a platform in the front. Just trying them on gave me a nose bleed. I would never, ever be able to walk in these babies. They are going back to Satan.

But maybe that's what The Devil Kim Kardashian wants. Hmmm.

I heart James Franco

I fell in love with James Franko in 1999, when he played the adorable little burnout Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks. Next I saw him in Pineapple Express where he played the even more adorable pot dealer Saul Silver. Yum. Now I have seen him in Milk. As much as he had made me adore him over the years, I can't belive the performance he gave in the film. James Franco is amazing and I believe he's just going to go on to bigger and better things. He just happens to be plagued with totally hot good looks. Aww.

Pant, pant. Rent Milk. Seriously.

Oversharing

I can not get enough of the new T-Mobile spot for their myFaves plan. I don't even use T-Mobile for my wireless service, but I have to admit their campaign is genius. The first one was a dad talking to his daughter about how their new plan had a "no Derricks with mustaches clause" - and the best part was he called his daughter "duuuuude". I laughed every time I saw it. Now they have this one with a dad who vaguely resembles Paul F. Tompkins talking to his three daughters, and the youngest one in the glasses steals the whole freakin commerical with one line. Check it out:



Super delicious!

This just in

I didn't see this one coming. I never even considered this would happen. It seems that when you quit smoking, you gain weight! Imagine! (I hope you can feel the sarcasm. I'd hate to think it was wasted). But seriously, I never considered this. For the past week or two I have realized that my jeans have been a bit snug. "They're fresh out of the dryer" I'd tell myself. Or, "I'm bloated" I would rationalize. But this morning I got on the scale and confirmed the horror that I suspected...TWELVE FUCKING POUNDS. I have gained TWELVE FUCKING POUNDS IN 10 WEEKS.

Breathe.

Relax. It's wrong. The scale is just wrong. Do this one more time....

OH SWEET TAP-DANCING MOSES. Twelve pounds.

So now it's on. I mean, it's on! I am going to work out like I've never worked out before. I figure I never thought I could quit smoking, and I did that, so these annoying twelve pounds have no idea what they're in for. And I've called in the big guns. Let me introduce you to Shaun T, my Hip Hop Abs savior:


I ordered this today. There are a ton of positive reviews on line, folks who work out regularly and they love this guy. And why wouldn't they? Look at him. The dude is smokin' hot. If I can't have regular candy, I'm going to have eye candy, dammit.

So wish me luck. I also got a "Bob" workout (of Biggest Loser fame) and a Biggest Loser cookbook. If you've had luck with any others, let me know. I really want to make short work of these TWELVE FUCKING POUNDS.

Grrrr.

Patriotic Retirement - duh.

This past Sunday, the St. Petersburg Times printed the answers they received when they posed this question to their readers: "What would you do to fix the economy?" The following was proposed by David Otterson of Largo, Florida. It's simplicity just blows me away.

Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force … pay them $1 million apiece severance with these stipulations.
They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings — unemployment fixed.
They buy new American cars. Forty million cars ordered — auto industry fixed.
They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage — housing crisis fixed.

I'm dumbfounded.

The devil wears whatever Kim Kardashian sends him

Oh boy. I got my shoe choices for April from Kim Kardashian. They were all super cute, but the one I chose is called Flicky. This is it. I can't wait to get them!!!

Does this mean that Kim Kardashian owns my soul now? I'm just wondering, I mean, I guess it's cool as long as she doesn't lend it to Khloe (shudder).

Kim Kardashian is the antichrist

For the longest time, I have wondered, “why on earth do I even know who Kim Kardashian is?” She always seemed to be one of those L.A. girls out clubbing with Kimberly Stewart (Rod’s daughter) but had relatively nothing to offer. Then Ryan Seacrest (who is slowly sucking the lifeblood out of Dick Clark) got a hold of her whole family – including Bruce Jenner – and put them on E! with their own show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (I’m sure Bruce loves the title) and the rest was, well, basic cable TV gold. But at least at that point I had a reason for knowing who she was. It’s not like she made a deal with the devil or some other demonic entity - I mean, she’s on television. (Who knows, maybe she does deal with demons, at this point I really don’t care).

However, last week I gained a newfound respect for Ms. Kardashian and it’s all because of ShoeDazzle.com. It’s a shoe club. A SHOE CLUB. Like a book club, but with shoes! Oh. My. God. For $39.95 per month, you get to select from four pairs of shoes and they will send you the pair you like best. If for some reason you don’t like them, you can send them back and get another pair. And they base the selections they send you on a fashion quiz (very short) that you fill out when you first join. It’s genius, really – and Kim Kardashian is the founder. Yep. I couldn’t believe it either. Thank you Kim Kardahsian for giving women all over the world yet another reason to over extend their credit cards on shoes.

I just got my shoes for March (sorry for the pasty white foot - it's April!)

I know I cut off the back of the picture, buy aren’t they cute?!? And for all you foot fetishists out there, you’re welcome.

Well, my shoe selection for April has arrived and I can’t wait to see what they have sent me! I believe I have died and gone to heaven…or perhaps Hell with Kim Kardashian.