Twitter'd out

Social media is making me feel rather antisocial at the moment.

I got up this morning and logged on to Face Book. Then I checked out what was going on in the Twitterverse. When I got to work, I fired up Outlook and then signed on to AIM. It’s not that I have a problem with all the different ways that we have to communicate with each other – I like them all just fine. I like Face Book for reconnecting with old friends, AIM is an awesome way to communicate at work in a jiffy, email is a necessary evil, and Twitter is, well – Twitter. Most of the tweets I see are random thoughts – blips on the radar that are fleeting at best. It’s a fun way to link to other media that you think your followers would like, but then again, so is Face Book for that matter. But for some reason, on Twitter people tend to tweet the same (mostly snarky) minutia over and over and over again. I am so sick of seeing tweets about:

1. Your workout / exercise routine. Yes, you’re active and fit. We get it. Only you and your trainer are impressed. And that's because you pay him/her.

2. What you are currently listening to. Did you hear something new? Great! Please share. Something inspiring or beautiful? Share that, too. But posting tweet after tweet after tweet that read “I’m listening to Snoop Dogg’s Gin and Juice” “I’m listening to Otis Redding’s Try A Little Tenderness” is just repetitive and boring. And honestly, nobody cares.

3. Same goes for television shows. What’s with the tweets that are just your personal television viewing chronology? “BSmith just watched Mad Men”? (Or whatever other “in” thing you’re watching because you think it makes you look cool). Guess what? It doesn’t and you’re still a douche nozzle.

4. What you’re eating. No one cares. And I don’t want to see a picture of it, either. If I want to know what your lunch was, I will ask.

5. Tweeting that you are eating fattening foods while watching The Biggest Loser. Yeah, this was funny the first 100 times I read it. Considering that 66% of Americans regularly watch television while eating dinner (thank you, A.C. Nielsen) I think the chances are high that they aren’t all eating carrot sticks and cottage cheese - yet you’re obviously thrilled with your amazing, ironic wit. I drink beer while I watch Intervention. It doesn’t make me Jerry Seinfeld.

6. Something your dog did. Unless he taught himself to drive, got a job at NASA and landed a lunar probe – yawn.

7. Same goes for your cat. (Numbers 6 and 7 do not include the adoption of, or the passing of a pet. Those are different and are definitely tweetable.)

8. I hate to say it, same goes for your kid. Yes, you love him. Your family loves him. Everyone else in the world, not so much.

9. “I have the best boyfriend / girlfriend / stalker in the whole wide world!” Gag. ‘Nuff said.

10. “Is”. As in “BSmith is”. Do you think you're being all existential and hip? You’re not. You’re just being a dipshit.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the list for now. I know there will be more to come. Too bad I can’t tweet this entire post (way more than 140 characters), because it certainly is snarky enough to live out there amongst all the other snarky tweets. I’m going to blame today's outlook on a lack of sunlight. Maybe I need to eat some pistachio nuts, drink a diet Pepsi, listen to Jim Croce's Bad Bad Leroy Brown and watch my cats wrestle. Yeah, that should work.

Happy tweeting! :o)